gosh, it has been forever since I last blogged. Time flew by without me realising and almost half of my vacation is gone.

I apologise for the lack of updates throughout the entire year. Therefore, this shall be a long post. Call it compensation, or whatever you deem fit. But there are so many thoughts swimming around my mind now, it can't help but jot down my thoughts. And what better way than to blog?

Let's get started now.

After reading articles online, I realised how horrendous my writing is now. When you can't write, you can't speak and you can't express yourself. My command of the English language has been bad to begin with, but being overwhelmed with life for the past year (excuses) I totally neglected my writing skills. It is time for to to blog consistently once again to keep myself grounded.

Recently, I have been doing some self-reflection and I realised how immature I am. While other people are reflecting upon their lives, restating their resolve and keeping their fire burning; I'm here lamenting about my own life; running away from reality. Trying so hard to be someone that I vowed not to be.

There are so many things in life I should reflect upon, but yet I brushed everything off just because I'm so lazy. I let slack of my discipline, disappointing myself and my family. Defying the very moral codes they've burned into me since I was a child. I let the currents of society wash over my own principles and I feel so ashamed of myself.

I find so many excuses for my shortcomings rather than correcting them. I practice escapism because I refuse to believe in the imperfection of myself. Pride, will always be my worst enemy. When have I forgotten the value of humility? Grandma would have been so disappointed in me if she knew. Even I am disgusted with myself.

I initially set up this blog to start afresh, yet nothing changed. I left it to degenerate; I let my resolve break. I'm a hypocrite towards my own conscious.

Today, I reinstate my resolution. I shall not stray anymore. I will not let days get by me. I will find meaning to my life. I will not let my relationships crumble anymore. For the strongest people are not those without flaws, but those who acknowledge both their strengths and flaws. As cheesy as all this sound; I want to make it happen. To be a better and stronger person. (I wanted to use the word 'man' but oh well.)

I will kick the habit of not explaining myself (here, and only here) and try to organise my thoughts. Maturity is accepting the fact that life is tough and yet not giving up.

Starting with the issue on grades, yes, I have failed my core module. Making me think if I'm even cut out for economics. Being stubborn and in denial, I refused to change my major. However, after much contemplation, I have decided to try out economic, seriously, for one last semester. I'm going to learn to embrace it. I know I'm not the brightest bulb in the box, so I will start studying for this same module this vacation. Judge for all you want, but this is my graduation on the line. And no, this is not a contradiction to my own values of "life is not all about grades".

Let me (finally) explain, I am totally for the stand that "life is not about grades and maturity is not about age" saying but we all know that in order to survive, getting a reasonable result slip is an inexorable rule of (the Singaporean) way of life. Growing up in a more or less conservative Chinese family, I have upon my shoulders the expectations and responsibilities of my family. No matter how much they tell me that I don't have to be the cream of the crop, I just have to pass and you know, lead a decent life, they'll be happy. But I will never forget the pride they have in me the day I was accepted in NUS. They love me, they want me to be happy, they want what's best for me, they want me to have a comfortable life and I, in return, want them to have a daughter, a granddaughter, a sister and a niece that they can be proud of. I don't just want to scrap pass life. Say, I do my best and I'm still stuck in a mediocre social/academic standing, then I would say that I have no regrets and I'm pretty sure my family would be proud of me. I'm sure that this is the type of person that they want to have brought up. I know I'm not there yet (not even near please) and I have to work harder.

Moving on to the issue on my character, if I told you I'm a socially-awkward person, you probably wont have believed it. Fact is that, I am. Contrary to popular believe, I'm not an extroverted person. I like personal space, in fact a lot of it. I take flight to shackles that want to restraint me. Which brings me to the point that I think my mum has superb child-rearing skills when it comes to a weird child like me. I would have been so exasperated that I'd throw myself out of the house. I think the analogy which depicts a child as a mother's kite is just too apt. She lets loose of me when I need my space but pulls me back on track when I fly too far. Always guiding and never restraining; allowing me to learn through the thrills of the wind yet not letting go of me. For that, I'm forever thankful. Or else I probably would have became some rebellious child. (Not like I'm not rebellious when I look back at my adolescence days, but you get my point.)

In fact, I don't even know if I'm considered weird. My friends do call me weird, but when I ask, hardly anybody can put on a finger on why and how am I weird. It's probably a collective thing...? For one, I know my laughter is weird. But that's not my fault right...? I'm born this way, baby. (okay, overused. I know.) I'm just slightly more easily tickled than others and a tad more mischievous, but hey, every child's like that! So yah, we'll get back to this point when I've done more market surveys, on my (assumed) weirdness.

Moving onto relationships. It's high time I keep my friendships in check. After about 2 years of turmoil with my bestfriend, I'm finally ready to say it out loud that I'm so glad that I didn't let go; we both didn't let go. Our relationship is not perfect now. Mending takes time and it still hurts sometimes, but our hearts are in sync so nothing else matters.

Am I losing you?
Me?
Yeah. When are you coming back?
When You want me to!

4 sentences changed our entire situation. If you are reading this, I just want to apologise for being such a bad friend for the past 2 years. I'm sorry for not being understanding and being so selfish. I'm sorry for not putting in enough effort to stop us from drifting apart. I'm sorry for thinking I was the only one who was hurting. I'm sorry for wanting to let go. I'm sorry for having so little faith in us. We are 20 now, we've spent half our lifetime with each other. After going so close to losing this, I'm going to hold this closer to my heart. Because we both know, no one else knows me better than you. You are going to be away from me for 6 weeks, starting today. I miss you already. When you come back, we will go back to meeting each other every week for pointless dinners at amk, until my mum calls me and it's time to go home.Your chat window will permanently be on my desktop, and we will go back to being 100% updated with each other's life.

It is time for me to find a balance. A balance between my family, school, bestfriend, shooters and hall. The past year, I was barely home, I barely met my shooters and I barely even met bestfriend when we are in the same school. As much as I enjoy hall life, it shall not encompass my entire university life. Granted that hall had given me an unforgettable time and many friends for life; there are other people who are waitng for me to return to their side.

When I was home on friday night, grandma got annoyed at my injuries. Underlying all that displeasure was her worry for my well-being. When I called home, she specially cooked my favourite dishes for me. She never fails to ask me to stop doing sports because she thinks my ankles are going to die on me soon at the rate I'm going. 身体发肤，受之父母。I know I have breeched the entire code of filial piety by not taking care of myself but (this is not an excuse) I love moving about. Bringing out the stubborn side of me, I'm not going to stop moving but I'll try my best to stay injury free. Furthermore, I'm going for traditional chinese treatment now. Hope things get better man.

On a brighter note, I'm going to play badminton with Niuniu this wednesday, she's coming down to hall to play with me to get on with our healthy lifestyle. And yes, I am in fact trying to lose weight. And yes, I know I am fat. And yes, I'm depressed over it. And yes, therefore I'm doing something about it. I'm not bimbotic! I'm still a girl and I want to look good!

And yes, by looking good, I latently mean I want to date people. Apparently, according to Alvie, I'm not going to get attached any time soon. So boohoo in that aspect. Looks like I'm still gonna stay single for a long long time.

Moving on, I have been on this post long enough and inspiration has finally gone dry on me. And another week is ahead of me. I promise to blog more frequently, and in greater details. Till then, I'm going to continue chatting with bestfreind(:

Thank you for letting me be that pink flower in your life. I couldn't have asked for more.
This distance had made me realise how close you are to me in my heart.
Thank you for being my yellow flower.

it matters not who I am but who I want to be.

till next time.