And so my hard drive has been declared as half dead. And I'm finally sending it down for servicing this afternoon after my German tutorial. Then I'll be heading down to the hospital.

Maybe my computer isn't the only thing that has "kaputt", something somewhere in my life isn't going well either but I guess that's life, it puts you through trials. What doesn't kill you will only make you stronger, I hope.

I owe this blog an explanation on my sudden bout of despression recently, two of my closest kins have been hospitalized, since last week. Well, on a brighter note, grandma has been discharged, but Aunt is still hospitalized. If anyone really wants to know their condition, well you can really just ask me out for coffee, I could use the break sometimes.

My emotional dissemblement stemmed from worry, fear and probably helplessness. It takes a lot for me to stop my mind from wandering to the wrong side of things. It takes even more for me to concentrate in class and on studying. And it definitely takes plenty more for me to open up and confide in anybody about all my fears and the likes.

People around me whom I have not spoken to about this issue deemed me "mad and bipolar" and that I'm on a sugar high. I don't disagree, since I do use my presumed madness and sugar addiction as a protective layer. And yes, I'm aware that by posting this on the Internet I'm stripping myself of my protection. But I'm not afraid because I am strong and I know that if anyone attempts to hurt me, I have people to protect me.

I have Germaine; because I'm not going to burden my family with my emotional luggage. The night when I was in hall and I received news of grandma's hospitalization, I ran off and sobbed for all I was worth. I called maine and al while I was sobbing, trying to reduce the tension and stress that I was feeling. A million thanks to them, I felt alot better and I know that no matter what I meet in life, they are always here for me and they are just so understanding of me. Especially maine, who has been here with me for more than half my lifetime and knows me even better than I know myself.

Therefore, in this array of negativity, I try to keep going with my head held high and to infuse my thoughts with positivity; to stop losing myself to presumptions and take life as it comes. Because everything will be fine in the end, if it's not fine, it's not the end :)

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear.
As of now, staying strong for my family and for myself, bringing positivity and reassurance to them and myself is more important then wallowing in helplessness and worrying about the unknown. Mental strength is larger than we believe it to be; I believe that everything will be fine.

it matters not who I am but who I want to be.

till next time.