It’s been 10 days since I last logged an entry. And 10 eventful days it had been.

I would like to send my condolences to Al, whose grandfather passed away two days ago. He had been fighting with a serve case of lung infection for the past three months but unfortunately he had lost this fight by a margin. Al’s granddaddy, if you are up there and sees this, I just want you to know that you’ve been a great warrior. You’ve put up a commendable fight. More importantly, you kept your family strong. I know you probably could see it for yourself, Al is doing well in coping with your departure and so is the rest of your family. Rest in peace, Al’s granddaddy (‘:

This set me into deep thoughts; that death had hit so close to home this time, it is real. I have always been an exceptionally lucky child. Up till this very moment, I have never been to a wake or (touchwood) experience anybody close to me’s passing. Death, is a very foreign issue to me. It scares me even more now that grandmama and aunt’s health are having issues. In fact grandmama’s condition has gotten worse and is going to visit the doctor tomorrow. 

Trepidation and chills creep along my spine, tears threaten to fall and my breathing becomes uneven when I think about stuff like that. About how everyone in my family tells me that one day they will all leave me and it’s inevitable. About how my grandparents are growing old. About how all the old-age chronic diseases are showing up in their bodies. About how granddaddy is getting less and less mobile, more and more forgetful, skinnier and skinner by the days. About how grandmama said that her heartbeat is getting slower and more erratic. About how mum has a pacer in her heart and only 27% of her heart is working. About how aunt is afraid of her undiagnosed conditions. I’m afraid, but I still have faith because I know they are strong. They won’t let anything happen to them, because as selfish as this sounds, they know I need them. So I have to be strong as well; to believe in them, believe that fate won’t be so cruel towards us.

As for school, it has been a disaster. I’m lagging behind on school work (as usual) and I can’t commit anything to my memory, I’m just smoking my way through everything. I don’t even know how am I going to survive finals. University is by far the worst school I have attended despite all the freedom it has given me. I cannot wait to graduate, to get out of there; to get far far away from people who will hurt me. 

Innocence is a lost cause at the level of tertiary education. It is scary, annoying and frustrating at the same time. Scary because you will never know who is going to stab you in your back. Annoying because you have to so guarded all the time you miss out on life.  Frustrating because amongst all that self-protection - the lies, fake smiles and forced laughter - you spiral downwards and lose yourself to this mercenary society. There is no enjoyment in studying because grades matters so damn much and interest is not even at the secondary level. In fact grades matter so much, it takes away any happiness you derive from doing something you like but can’t exactly score.  

It has gotten so bad so that now I’m lamenting about the time I’ve spent typing this post rather than doing my graded assignments – 4 of them due next week. Progressive learning is a lie, we all do last minute work and hope that it won’t turn out so bad. 

All the morbid rants aside, this is a shout out to maine:

Congratulations on getting the scholarship of your dreams! I could not have been any prouder of you! (: I’m entirely looking forward to our celebratory trip and quality time in December(:

I’m signing off now, to do my graded assignment.

Till we meet again, take care.