heartbreak is when you ask your granddaddy who you are and he answers he doesn't know.

tears came when I wrote that down, tears fell when I read and re-read that.
nothing hurt more than when he looked me in the eye and shook his head and said that he can't remember who I am. nothing prompted tears more than when I had to hold 'em in and try to make him remember.

I know I'm being melodramatic.
I know Alzheimer's is not a rare disease.
I know I just haven't found it in me to accept it yet; that I'm the first person who lapses in his memory.
It hurts.

I scares me when he says he is going to sleep everyday. The fear that he will not wake up plagues me. Then all I have left is memories of my childhood and days of my universities when I wasn't at home, wasn't by his side.

I don't want to have any regrets. Although, I know I have already regretted.
I don't want to have any more regrets.

I want to stay by his side and give him the best that I can.
I am not hoping for a miracle, I'm just hoping that he can watch me graduate - that he still remembers how to be proud of his granddaughter.

I know that life goes on;
that the world will continue spinning, that finals will still be there and that I cry every time I think about this.

but really all I want to say is that,
granddaddy, I love you. I will always always love you.

it matters not who I am but who I want to be.

till next time.