At age 21, I'm still a brat.

It's embarrassing to admit it but yes, I'm still a brat. I crave for attention, and I demand to be doted on. Worst of all, I get jealous over nothing at all.

So here's the story:

I was back at my gramps' for lunch today and my brother's girlfriend was also around so naturally being the very gracious host my grandma is, she invited her to join us for lunch. Seems fine? Here's the catch, my grandma gave her my favourite bowl, the bowl I've been using for 21 years. The bowl practically screams my name for goodness sake, but no, my grandma just have to give her my bowl. So I got mad (and probably jealous) and did what a brat would do. I ditched the family lunch - hurting both the family and myself in the process.

So I'm a brat. But hey, I've got to make my presence known! I've been living in this family for 21 years, I deserve to have my own bowl! Okay judge me.

But you know what hurts the most?
What hurts the most is that everyone knows that that is my bowl, including grandma, but they deliberately gave my bowl to someone else. It hurts that in their hearts I can be taken over. It felt as though I don't matter to them. No one every cared that I ditched lunch. No one mentioned anything about me going upstairs, alone and sulking.

I feel proud of myself actually, for controlling my emotions and not flaring up, although there was so much rage in me and my heart was beating so hard and fast. I did not have an outburst, I calmly went away and cooled off. I like this part of my emotional maturity, though I know I'm still a brat but at least I'm growing.

Then it came the time for reflection, because I still have to go have my lunch. I spilled the fish in the rice cooker and actually thought that I would get into trouble for it.Yet, when grandma came in and scoped out the fish and rice for me, she was more worried about hidden bones in the rice than the mess I've created. She even made it a point to supervise my meal so as to make sure there was really no bones.

Actually, when I saw the plate of fish, somewhere inside my heart, I know she has kept the fish specially for me, the best part of the fish. So I internally beat myself up for all the unnecessary tantrum over a bowl.

Then again, sometimes negative thoughts hit me like a bullet train. I've been a pretty good child, I've been through a good enough education to make y'all feel proud, I'm filial, I can cook, I do the housework, I'll always help to carry the heavy stuff, I run all the errands without complaining, etc. So why, do I not deserve even the tiniest bit of recognition? 

Frankly, I don't know what to feel.
Upset?Ashamed? Disappointed?
I don't know. Would it be better to not be able to feel?

In the end,
Why can't I have a bigger heart?
Why do I have so many insecurities?
Why do I have to hurt people whom I love?
Why am I such a disgusting person?
Why can't I stop crying?

it matters not who I am but who I want to be.

till next time.