Insomnia had never been more real.

I used to be the kind of person who drifts off into dreamland the moment my head hits the pillow. Sleeping for twenty hours a day (when I have the time for it) was never a problem. It was as though I was born to sleep, and so, I took it for granted. Until now. 

Recently, I haven’t been able to fall asleep, even if I had barely slept for a couple of hours the day prior, I still couldn’t fall asleep. Initially, I blamed it on exam stress, but I realised that that was not all to the equation. 

Sure, exam stress plays a role. I’m pretty sure every student goes through this phase, where you fall into fitful nights of sleep because you are afraid that you can’t finish studying, that you won’t be able to wake up in time for your paper, or simple because you think that you can’t be wasting precious studying time sleeping. (And that you will probably repay your sleep debt after your finals.) 

However, when I was flipping over for the 2136891271th time on my bed, trying to fall asleep at 4a.m. in the morning, I realised that insomnia was not caused so much by exam stress than my own warped state of mind. 

I am afraid of falling asleep; not because I know I need to study but because of some other odd reason that I cannot exactly put into words.  It’s as though I don’t want to stop thinking and don’t want to fall asleep. Yes I know there is an inherent contradiction about me lying in bed and willing myself to sleep while saying that I don’t want to fall asleep. (Am I even making sense here?)

Thing is, I know I need to sleep. So, I lay in bed and tell myself that I need to sleep. But, there is this subconscious part of me that is constantly trying to stay awake – is this a sign of bipolarity? 

I’m afraid, that there is something wrong about my mental health. 

As of now, I don’t really have a solution to my sleeplessness. However, I think the most important thing for me to do now is to just let everything in my mind go. I need to stop thinking about my anxiety, stress and the uncertainty that lies before me. 

I need to start wanting to sleep.