I'm currently in too much of a self-consuming state of emotions to craft a proper, publishable post on my alter ego on Wordpress. So this shall just be a very real, personal and more humane than I liked to be update.

So, I finally took a leap of faith this semester and took a module called "The Craft of History". It is basically a module designed to help history majors formulate a research essay and eventually introduce them onto the road of writing a honours thesis.

My prof teaches our class with tough love. Getting a B+ was considered pretty much of an achievement, from her point of view. You will learn through the hard way with her going through yours and everybody else's mistakes in class. There were hardly any praises, or maybe no praises at all.

You take 5 weeks to formulate a topic you would want to write about and another 5 to do research; the last 3 weeks were for you to piece everything up into a 2500 words research essay. Prof likes to say, "Don't be too ambitious, this is about digging a small hole very very deep."

So, for once in my years in NUS, I enjoyed class. Looked forward to it even. Alas, all good things come to an end; and today concludes this module when I handed in my final essay.

It isn't about missing the fun and interest I had in class that prompted me to write this post; but what my prof said to me at the very end that triggered all these emotions.

I never had the courage to tell my prof that I don't qualify for honors; but I finally said it today. I said it when she said that I've taken all the modules she had to offer, but she was going to offer another module that she doesn't offer often next annual year; and that she expects to see me in class. So, I finally worked up enough guts to explain to her why I couldn't do honors.

Her reply was, "I knew you couldn't do Maths! Why didn't you change your major sooner?! This is a pity. You are good in history!"

Hearing that 5 words (You are good in history) sent me into this spiral of emotions. It meant twice as much when it came from a prof who is so harsh on her students, because she is a perfectionist; and because she wants the best for them. I always thought that if I hadn't screwed up, I would definitely want her as my thesis supervisor.

This words of acknowledgement are so powerful that now, they are still reverberating in my bones. Because university made me felt worthless and stupid. Made me feel that I am not good enough. Made me despise this cage that I perceived myself to be trapped in.

But not anymore, because this module opened my eyes, ears and heart. Apart from growing academically - becoming a better researcher, becoming more resourceful, becoming more knowledgeable, becoming a listener, becoming a better write; this module taught me humility, bravery, cooperation and gave me back the confidence that I had lost.

I might not be the best, but as of now I'm good enough,
to know that there are still a lot of work to be done to build a better me.


Be the change you want to see in this world. -Gandhi.

it matters not who I am but who I want to be.

till next time.